I don't know why I haven't thought of this before now, this blog is just what I need. Even if no one ever reads it, I'll at least get it out of my system. And trust me, there is a lot to get out of this little ol' me!
For starters, deployment SUCKS!! I want my husband home SO bad!! I always see people complaining that they're boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife fell asleep on the couch and they can't wake them up and they can't sleep without them in bed, or "oh no he/she is out of town, this sucks so bad I'm so depressed." I would give anything to know that my husband is snoozin' away on the couch down stairs, at least I know he's safe. I'd give anything for my husband to be out of town for a week, or two or even a month. At least I'd be able to talk to him everyday, and I know he's safe! So many people take the little things for granted, and I use to be one of those people. It sucks to tell your 4 year old we can't call daddy when she wants to tell him that she learned how to swing by herself, or she did so good at her dance recital. Deployment is just that, it sucks. But hey, you know what.. we're officially one day closer and we can do this!!
Now on to the crappy of crappy-ness. Losing a child is the most horrible thing for any mother to go through. Weather the child is a month in the womb or 50 years old. On February 13th 2013 I found out my sweet sweet baby girl's heart had stopped beating. I was only 23 weeks pregnant. That was one doctor's appointment that I went to by myself. But honestly, I knew. I knew that something wasn't right.. that good ol' motherly instinct. I was lying on the table watching my mid wife's eyes get bigger and bigger moving the Doppler to this side then back to that side, and wiggling it around. I knew. I just laid there and prayed to God, I prayed that it was all a dream and I'd wake up and start all over. It wasn't. She said "I'm sure it's okay, lets just get a quick look." Lying on the ultrasound table, silent. My heart pounding, just staring at the ceiling. Thinking how do I tell my husband, that is in Afghanistan serving his country, that his baby girl we were patiently waiting on wasn't coming?! How do I tell the new big sister that she's now a sister to an angel? How do I tell her grandparents? And Aunts and uncles? Cousins? How do I tell all these people that already love her so much that she's not coming? How do I tell myself, that when I have this beautiful angel I won't get to hear her cry? Or see her smile? Or hear her call for Mommy? How am I gonna do all these things? I can't! I'm not that strong! I didn't know what to do. I sent a facebook message to my husband telling him he had to come home. Not to welcome his new baby girl into the world but to bury her. I called RedCross, then called my doctor to set up the induction. I had to wait 5 days, I wasn't doing this alone to. I wasn't doing this without my rock by my side. He came home, and we just cried and talked and cried some more. Then 5 am the next morning I went to the hospital to have this sweet baby girl, but knowing I was going home empty handed. On February 18th, at 3:30 pm Vayler Leigh Williams entered the world. Her lifeless little body fit so perfectly in my hands. She already looked so much like her Daddy, long legs and all. She was so perfect and so peaceful. When I held her I knew it was okay. I knew that this was God's plan. I have no idea why, but it is and we have to trust in that. It was so amazing holding my baby girl, knowing she was already in heaven watching over me. I know she had her little hand on my shoulder reminding me that she never has to live in this world. She never has to be sad, or angry, or feel pain. In my heart I know that she is watching over all of us, especially her Daddy as he finishes his tour in Afghanistan. And I know in my heart, that when we try again she'll send us her baby brother/sister to earth. Some days is harder than others, then I just look at the beautiful clouds or listen to the songs of the birds and I know she's with me. She's with me always. One day I'll be able to hold her in my arms, but until then she's sitting in the lap of Jesus. And hanging out with her big cousin River and her Papaw.
"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book 'too beautiful for earth'."
Psalm 139:13-16
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
Wow, it really does feel so much better to get stuff out there.
